The Problem with Freedom

Why I'm having my vaccine removed

by Henrik Blix 2 MINUTES READ

I’m an American. I believe in freedom.

It was MY choice to get the vaccine, and now I am making the choice to have my vaccine removed. I can’t deal with the side effects of this particular vaccine — namely, a few days ago I walked out of the bathroom with my fly down and everyone made fun of me.

Pre-vax, this kind of thing would have never happened to me. You see, prior to the vaccine I had never walked out of the bathroom with my fly down, heard someone yell, “Hey Henrik, your Tony-Hawk-themed undies are showing,” and started crying so hard that I farted a little bit.

So, as someone who has read science, I quickly deduced that this wasn’t in fact MY fault, but simply a medical reaction to the vaccine that made everyone laugh at me and spawned the office nickname “fly guy.”

So I’m having my vaccine removed.

The process is very expensive and from what I’m told, excruciatingly painful. But this is a small price to pay to never again have to experience the vaccine side effect of crying so hard that I fart a little and then later that day finding out a coworker went viral with a perfectly-timed TikTok of that exact moment. You can’t put a price on that.

As you can see, I’m not anti-vax. I’m simply against having to spend my morning complaining to HR that the IT department keeps changing my Slack username to “Mr. Squirt.”

And if there’s anything this experience has taught me, it’s that we need to stop, listen, and say things like, “Obviously you’re struggling with vaccine side effects,” and “I would get mine removed if that happened to me” instead of harsh, judgmental words like, “Dude, stop trying to blame this on the vaccine. We looked you up on LinkedIn and apparently, this has happened at every other place you worked.”

Henrik Blix is a staff writer on the show, but that’s not all — he is also hungry for some ice cream.