The Problem with Climate Change

Here's Why I Decided to Get Gills

by Jay Jurden 1 MINUTE READ

We are all doing our part to prepare for the impending climate crisis. Some of my friends started composting. Some of my friends declared they would only buy electric vehicles. And some of my friends are finally cutting back on their crude oil bonfire BBQ raves.

But it is not enough! Climate change will irreversibly alter our planet. Behavioral adjustments will slow the effects, but we must also adapt to a new normal of rising sea levels and disappearing coastlines. And that’s why I’ve decided to get gills.

As we all know, cosmetic surgery is a very personal decision and should not be done without research and contemplation. So I’ve had numerous consultations with the black market’s most reputable species hybridization cryptozoology scientist, whose name I am not at liberty to disclose. (I heard he also did Elon’s gills. Yes, Elon has gills. Several pairs.)

My gills will be implanted this spring, so I’ll have my beach bod ready for whatever the 2022 hurricane season throws our way. And I know what you’re wondering: What size implants am I going for? A gentleman never tells, but let’s just say somewhere between perky lil guppy and (tasteful) BIG mouth bass.