The Problem with Climate Change

We bought a polar bear sanctuary

by Robby Slowik 2 MINUTES READ

Climate change is an existential threat to all of us. At least that’s what I’ve been told by commercials and celebrities. And I believe them, because commercials and celebrities are where I get all my information. It’s why I drive a Lincoln MKZ. But as I learned from commercials, there is no one more affected by climate change than polar bears. My heart breaks when I see them, in commercials, standing on a little piece of ice that’s broken away from a bigger piece of ice that I presume they would rather be on.

That’s why I’ve decided to take action and open Florida’s first polar bear sanctuary in my hometown of Tampa, Florida. Now you may be thinking, “Is Tampa the best place for a polar bear sanctuary?” To which I say, mind your fucking business. As a dedicated Tampanian (yup, that’s the word), I know for a fact that 80ish percent of Floridians are transplants from New York and Ohio who couldn’t take the cold anymore. Then they move to Orlando, do bath salts, eat someone’s face, and suddenly it’s, “Florida Man Does Shocking Thing” and never “Ohio Transplant Does Shocking Thing.” But I digress. My point is, polar bears will fit right in. They’re cold weather transplants that will more than likely eat someone’s face, no bath salts necessary.

I will take excellent care of the bears. They will have all the Coca-Cola they desire, a pro-tip of polar bear nutrition I also gleaned from commercials. I will also teach the bears to ride a bicycle but not in a demeaning way — this is a sanctuary, not a circus! No, I will teach them to ride bikes and then train them to win the Tour de France. Because if a team of rescue polar bears can take on the world’s best cyclists and win, surely we humans can unite and beat climate change. At the very least, we’re looking at roughly the same odds.