The Problem with The Media

Read This Article Or Your Grandma Will Die!

by Jay Jurden 3 MINUTES READ

First I must say, I am glad you are reading this article, because if you had not clicked this link, your grandmother would have died. That is not a threat. It is a fact. In a headline of an opinion piece. I am thankful that my words and my findings are being taken seriously.

But your grandma still might die. Unless you finish the article. And leave a comment. The stakes are high. This is literally a matter of life and death.

As you have probably guessed, I pride myself on not being alarmist. Moderation and nuance are my guideposts in this new online landscape. That said, if you stop reading now, your granny is worm food. That’s the only way to explain the high rate of grandma deaths in this country.

Something is mowing down American grandmas left and right.

And not just your grandma! Every sweet grandma is at risk, and there is nothing we can do about it. Except for maybe read more articles. Sure, your Nana is 98 and wishes only for the cold touch of death at every birthday party. And sure, all her friends have found peace beyond this physical form, but that is beside the point. Something is mowing down American grandmas left and right. And that thing must be your indifference to online clickbait.

Of course, experts are still studying the correlation between death and being very old. I’m sure you’ve all read the very popular article posted a few hours ago. The author was of the opinion that older Americans are dying because young people aren’t reading online articles anymore, and that is where he and I fundamentally disagree. I think old people are dying because people aren’t reading and sharing online articles anymore. And because millennial teenagers are listening to loud music and not saving money for a down payment on a house and not using bar soap anymore.

We can never be 100% sure what is sending extremely old people to the grave, but do you know what definitely isn’t killing them and might possibly save them? Content. And that’s why I wrote this article. To save lives.

Every Mimi, Gigi, Bubby, Mammaw, Big Mama, Oma, and Abuelita will die, and it will be your fault, because you didn’t feel like reading and sharing an article on all your socials. How shameful. This is not the country that I know and love. Your apathy is tantamount to killing those sweet grandmas with your bare hands. Let that sink in.

Jay Jurden is a stand-up comedian, actor, and writer originally from Mississippi. In his spare time he likes to scream about the New York City subway system. You can follow Jay on Twitter or Instagram.