The saddest punchlines

By Kris Acimovic

Since the government won’t do more to regulate guns or really do anything to help us die less from gun violence … what other solutions are there? The writers were asked to pitch some ideas for the script, and here are some of the most depressing ones we came up with:

Paint yourself like a grenade. No one will shoot a grenade.

Be nice to people who you think could become serial killers.

Cover your body in lard so the bullets slide off.

Never leave your home. (Not helpful, turns out!)

Offer a buy-back program that gets you more social media followers.

Live in a hole. (Honestly, tempting!)

Only go out with your slowest and most expendable friends. (Sry Doug)

ALWAYS walk in a zigzag pattern. (This one made the script) 🙁