The Problem With Guns

Vagigun: The Weapon of Choice

by Maria Randazzo 1 MINUTE READ

Why do all guns resemble peenai?

For anyone who’s not an aspiring doctor like myself, peenai is the medical term for penis plural. And not only are guns phallic in appearance, they operate like peenai, too. Just a few quick flicks of the wrist and bang! Pathetic.

Give! Us! A yonic gun! A … Vagigun …

A Vagigun would require a very specific, gentle manipulation to trigger its bullets. Rare is the man who could fire it. And rare is the woman, lest she employ the use of a bump stock.

Conditions would need to be just right in order to unload a Vagigun — the temperature of the room, the best of Sade on a loop — it would take time and commitment to fire. Perhaps even enough time to save a life.

Imagine how confused everyone would be. Confused, but safe. Vagiguns for all!

Maria Randazzo is a writer, actor, plant mom, coffee boss, taco king, wife to one huge goober, mother of 14 adorable goobers, lover of globes.